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I got a message from a friend the other day saying, “Hey Mikey, since you were actually around during the ’70s, we feel you’d be the best candidate to author this article, ya old man! So, please put down the Metamucil and stop watching the Andy Griffith Show marathon and do this for us, would ya?”
Alright, I’m paraphrasing. But I’m sure that’s what that whippersnapper meant.
As everyone knows, musical artist and thriller film director Rob Zombie is writing and directing a “Broad Street Bullies” movie. The screenplay is reportedly almost finished being written, so we’ve taken this opportunity to come up with some actors and actresses I feel would be perfect for some of our Bullies.
So, here we go!
Start at the top with the Chairman, Mr. Ed Snider — a suave businessman and the man responsible for bringing hockey to Philly. Who better to play Mr. Snider than Oscar winner George Clooney? I believe George could pull this off better than anyone. Plus, if your wife or girlfriend isn’t a puck fan, she’ll want to tag along to see George woo her to the icy side of hockey.
The Fog Fred Shero would obviously be played by the Velvet Fog, Mel Torme…..
Ehhhhh, okay maybe not. Only ONE candidate in Hollywood I feel could capture the essence of Shero, and that’s Clint Eastwood.
[Scene – In the Spectrum dressing room] Clint’s trademark squinting as he looks over the room and says, “Win today and we walk together forever”….
….chills.
Bobby Clarke, our Club’s most notable Captain, will be played by Jason Statham — tough as nails player, tough as nails actor who could take a puck to the grill and still come back smiling. Can’t ask for more from an actor for the great Bobby Clarke.
The legend in the cage, Bernie Parent, is a tough role, but best suited for Michael Fassbender,
fantastic actor from Inglorious Basterds. There is not a more lovable player in the history of Flyers hockey than Bernie. Only Jesus saves more than him, but barely. The German/Irish actor will need to work on his French-Canadian accent to pull it off though. (Sidenote, Fassbender’s mother is named Adele, so this next suggestion is just a weird coincidence)
Who can forget Kate Smith? I believe our franchise’s greatest piece of good luck ought to be played by Adele —
a sensationally pure singer, no auto tune, just belting out the tunes. Kind of a plus-sized gal, just like Kate, so this could work. Adele will play Bernie’s love interest in the movie, yes, rumors are (which I believe 100%) that Bernie had slept with Kate in the ’70s….
…now, just imagine that while you’re eating. Rob Zombie does enjoy his gore, remember?
“THE HAMMER”, Dave Schultz, played by Liev Schrieber. Word is, his character in the movie GOON was based on Schultz, and he played that role perfectly so no need to change that.
Edward Norton gets my vote for Bill Barber. The squirly Norton from the movie Rounders, and not the supremacist-turned-good guy from American History X, of course.
Let Oscar winner Philip Seymour Hoffman WOW the crowd as Bob “The Hound” Kelly. I want the Hoffman from Twister — “Hey Schultzie! YOU’RE THE EXTREME MAN!”
Hayden Panettiere as…… well, anyone, okay? Look, shes obviously a hockey fan —
I dunno whether to scream “blasphemy” or “MARRY ME!”
Moving along….
In every movie you need a bad guy. No better bad guy for this flick than Clarence Campbell, NHL President during the Bullies Days, and he was BY FAR not a fan of the team. He loathed the team and wished nothing but heartbreak for our Flyers. He thought our Club was making a mockery of the sport.
Hey Clarence! We’re still talking about those Bullies close to 40 years later!!!!
Why am I yelling? Campbell died in 1984…
Anywho, to play Campbell I named one of the best “bad guys” in the history of movies. Alan Rickman, Hans Gruber from Die Hard. Terrific and energetic method actor, and can be hated fiercely.
So, that’s my list of actors and actresses I’d portray as our beloved Bullies. In our comments section from Facebook, tell me how I did. Who would you play Bernie? The Hound? Mr. Snider? etc…
Written by Michael De Nicola
Produced by Orange and Black Pack, Inc.
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