Dump The DOOP!, Get a Real Goal Song

“Oh my God, I love this! Watch me dance to the DOOP song!!!”

Christ, it sickens me to even think about it. You want the epitome of the phrase “bitter-sweet”? Then check out the Philadelphia Flyers goal song, “DOOP.” You’ve heard it by now, so clicking the link is just to refresh your memory. 

Nevermind the fact that the song’s used by the Philadelphia Union, our city’s professional soccer team, but our Flyers have decided to blare it and make the ears of fans bleed in agony every time one of our boys disrupts the back of the twine. 

I have never in my life wanted to hear a song and NOT hear it all at the same time. Like I said, bitter-sweet. 

It all began in last year’s post-season when Danny Briere suggested the 30 seconds of audible retardedness. At first I had no idea what the hell was going on. I never got the memo. So our first goal at home followed by the DOOP was an unwanted surprise to me. I sat in my seat with my hands paused in the air from celebration, my brow coiled and centered in confusion, and the words, “What the f*ck?” escaped from my face. 

Ever since then, there it’s been. DOOP. And as much as I hate it, others love it. They seriously love the song. 

“It’ll grow on you!” they say to me. 

Yea? So do herpes. 

If the terrible song has managed to bury any remnants of the previous goal song from your memory,then I direct you to Pennywise’s “Bro Hymn.” 

Also not one of my favorites, but a million times better than a tune which sounds like walking in on two inbreds banging on a trampoline. 

I’m a miserable human being. I naturally hate a lot of the current things our society’s fallen in love with. This includes the latest fashions, Top 100 music artists and their tracks, consumer goods, trends, and anything basically related to these genres. 

“Disregard the song, Mike. What does it matter? At least we scored a goal!”

Touche’, my friend. But my instinct drives on the need to complain. And when I hear DOOP, a part of my brain twitches like a tweaking crack addict. When you watch a Flyers game and everyone’s celebrating after a goal, waving their hands in the air as that atrocity belts through the arena, fed by the blissful, architectural acoustics……and you see that one guy standing still with his arms crossed…..

…..that’s me. Trying not to seizure from pure madness. 

So here I sit, praying the goal song changes. And it hasn’t. It won’t. I wish it did. But the DOOP won’t die. For the sheer hope someone with audible authority reads this article, I gift you my Top 5 Goal Song suggestions below. Granted anything’s better than DOOP. I’d rather listen to a soundbite of Fran Drescher laughing hysterically to a Carlos Mencia joke. But alas, here we go:

#5: “Here Comes the Boom” by Nelly. 

Good beat. Simple. Kinda gets you riled up. It’s not outstanding. I’ve never been a huge fan of rap, but what I am trying to do is compose a list of suggestions using what I like and the genres of music used somehow in Flyers past. Whether it’s highlight videos, warm up music, etc. But keeping up with the larger demographic of the Flyers crowd, I’d go with something more rock related. 

#4: “Zero” by Smashing Pumpkins.

I went through a Pumpkins phase when I was in 6th grade back in ’96-’97. That tidbit of info’s either made you feel very young, very old, or you can relate. “Zero” is by far one of my more favorite rock songs. I could tear the heads off zombie goats to this track and piss napalm. I love it. 

#3: “Master Of Puppets” by Metallica.

Hell yea, Metallica. How could there be a music list for ANYTHING that doesn’t contain one song from this heavy metal, whiskey pounding, hotel-whore-slamming band? Though Lars Ulrich is the posterboy for narks, that still doesn’t take away the fact that if you had some Metallica piping through that head of yours, you immediately gain the strength of 10 men and the ability to bench press a Mack truck. 

#2: “Du Hast” by Rammstein. 

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

:: takes on and defeats an army of wizard midgets by himself ::

#1: “Hell’s Bells” by AC/DC.

My co-writer, Tim March, made this suggestion awhile ago. The Flyers score a goal, a big ringing Liberty Bell shows up on the arena’s jumbo-tron and lightning, thunder, and Hell’s Bells sound through the building. 

It’s friggin’ electric, and just typing it sends the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck towards the roof. It fits the city’s historical Liberty Bell, and whatnot, but overall…..it’s badass. I love it. And therefore it should be (in my opinion) our Philadelphia Flyers goal song. 

Whenever, or if ever, our club decides to transition to different lit-lamp music then I hope to God that every copy of DOOP is taken out back and….